2005: Turning Point
I can’t end 2005 without writing about it.
“Fatal Flaw” = Inability to Change:
The more things change, the more they stay the same. I’m not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it’s the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability to change. I don’t think I’m alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it’s kind of everyone’s flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still… It feels safer somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected… Who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be even worse. So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn’t seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You’re not a drug addict. You’re not killing anyone — except maybe yourself a little. When we finally do change, I don’t think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we’re like this different person. I think it’s smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn’t even notice unless they looked at us really close. Which, thank god, they never do. But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever. That you’ll never have to change again. It probably won’t work out that way, though, since things will keep changing. That’s one thing I know a lot about: whether you like it or not, stuff keeps happening all the time. And not always for the better. Usually not, it seems. But maybe it gets easier. Hopefully that first change doesn’t hurt too much, it doesn’t kill you, you don’t lose any limbs or an eye — or a friend. Then you figure you can do it again. It’s like when you have to move something really heavy, like a couch, or a car that ran out of gas. You can hardly budge it at first, but once it finally starts to move, it gets a lot easier to push the rest of the way. As long as you don’t stop pushing. So I guess you can keep changing… a little at a time, once you get started. You sort of have to, because if you don’t — if you stop and freeze up again — then you still have that same flaw you started with after all. So you just have to take a chance. Push yourself. Take that first step outside the box and hope it’s not too horrible. And enough small changes can eventually add up, until finally you really are different. Even enough for other people to notice, not just you. That probably has something to do with growing up.
“2005” = Turning Point:
When you finally start to realize that things keep constantly changing around you and stuff keeps happening all the time, maintaining the status quo becomes difficult. Somehow, change encompasses you. The way you were, standing perfectly still, doesn’t feel so safe anymore. You’ve been feeling the too familiar pain and suffering far too long and it’s time you stop making yourself the victim and face up to the problems that you behaved yourself into. Maybe it is time to grow up. You absorb the changes around you slowly and soon you realize that it isn’t that bad after all. Then you see all of these other things around you start changing and you realize that everything is fleeting. And you think back to your past. Things have always changed, you were just too busy to notice or those changes were too minor for you to notice. You realized that you survived through all the changes in the past…you know you’ll be okay in the future. It becomes almost comforting knowing that things are changing because the bad experiences you go through will eventually come to an end and you learn to appreciate and embrace the good experiences much more knowing they too are not forever. Your fatal flaw is no longer the ‘inability to change’. You are a changed person.
In talking to my close friends and other acquaintances, it seems like 2005 was a turning point milestone year for quite a lot of people (new jobs, new homes, engagements, marriages, babies, friendships new and lost, divorces, break-ups, hip replacements, changes expected and unexpected.)
2005 was definitely full of major changes for me. I’m not going to list everything that happened this past year to make me arrive at this point. No amount of words can do 2005 justice. But it’s comforting to know that I learned a lot more about myself this past year than previous years because of those changes…and also even with all the changes, some things still remain the same: the love and support of the important people around me.
To my family and friends who have always been and continue to be there for me, thank you for seeing me through the best and worst of times. 2005 was KICKASS (Thank gawd the paparazzi was there to capture every moment of it.) Let’s KICK some more ASS in 2006…starting with Tahoe!
“When you change the way you look at things – the things you look at change.” – Wayne W. Dyer
